Jim Foster

Stories

When the total package is just too much

I hate to cause trouble for the government since it is still working on the promises it made when Lester Pearson was running for prime minister, but it’s time Ottawa appointed a royal commission to investigate the fiends who run the packaging industry.

Those marathoners are a special lot

I went for a walk one morning, listening to Eric Clapton on a Walkman or whatever you call those little Coby things with earplugs. They are captivating devices because, after a few moments, you forget where you are, where you are going or what you are supposed to be doing; you just listen as the music goes on and on.

Sing a song of satire

I woke up this morning with 'Start the day with a song and sing it all day long' running through my head.

REUTERS/NASA/Handout

Ground control to Major Jim

A week or two ago, we watched The Martian, a sci-fi movie starring Matt Damon. It’s about an astronaut accidentally stranded on our celestial neighbour. However, as much as I would like the adventure, I’ve decided to remove my name from the list of young hopefuls lined up for NASA’s upcoming Mars journey.

(FOTOLIA)

Getting to the bottom of it

This is one of those "what ever happened to" articles. I was looking through some old columns, trying to find something I wrote about fashion, when I stumbled across something new that hit the market in 2008. A new lingerie contraption was sweeping the nation -- the Biniki, a brassiere designed to enhance milady's butt.

James Bond, played by Daniel Craig.

This Bond is too young to have a licence to kill

I just read Daniel Craig has signed a contract for yet another James Bond film. I have to start paying attention more. I missed the auditions and I'm afraid the world is the poorer for it.

Photo submitted by Metro Creative Graphics

Signs of being a geezer

Sadly I am convinced that somehow over the past seven decades I have become a geezer. I'm not positive but I do show some signs that suggest I might qualify for geezerdom.

Eighty doesn’t have to be ‘a tragic age’

Alas, my 80th birthday is now history. As we grow older, birthdays seem to come a lot faster — sometimes once a year, even more. I’m sure some older geezers can identify with that. “Life is a big circle!” I always say. One minute your mother is congratulating you for finally shucking your diapers, and the next you’re down at Shoppers trying them on

QMI Agency/File Photo

An unusual predicament

A few years ago, I was browsing through 'Toronto Life' and came across an ad for Obsession for Men, Eau de Toilet by Calvin Klein

Some abstract truth about European art

Most Canadians know nothing of the great artists of the Renaissance and the modern era. Why is it common street urchins in European countries can readily recognize the classic red-headed beauties of Titian while dedicated university art students can’t decide which is Butthead and which is Beavis?

Words of wisdom

As we humans approach our dotage, it becomes more and more important for us to leave some sort of advice to those we leave behind after we have moved on to someplace very nice or very hot. You probably have a fairly good idea where you are going. Myself, I have always been fond of harp music. I better switch to the piano accordion. You may have to

A different kind of hazard

On the first of May, we were watching the Zurich Classic Golf Tournament from New Orleans, or “Nawlins” as we Cajuns call it, and an odd thing happened. Well, it would be considered odd up here, but maybe not down there, where 100 degrees Fahrenheit is considered a little on the chilly side and the long underwear comes out.

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Pondering over a pint

I have, in front of me, a 500-ml can of Tyskie beer given to me by a friend who just polished off four of them and is lying facedown on my lawn. Tyskie, by the way, is the No. 1 selling beer in Poland, which all we beer connoisseurs know is brewed by Polish Tyskie Browary Ksiažece. (There is supposed to be squiggly thing underneath the 'a' and the