Golden Globes as boring as Academy Awards
Remember when the Golden Globes were a laugh?
That time is definitely over. The awards show that kicks off every new year is now officially as boring as the Academy Awards.
That’s no small achievement.
Considering that the Golden Globes take place on a platform of free-flowing alcohol and everyone knows that prize-wise, they don’t really count, the results are gobsmacking, and not in a good way.
How did this formerly louche bit of programming get so dull and self-congratulatory? Is that because the show is on network TV, or just because it’s begun to take itself too seriously?
The answers are lost to history. Fortunately.
The Golden Globes were stiff. The many prizes for La la Land seemed a bit odd, but there’s no accounting for the taste of the HFPA — and as they have their own best interests at heart and seem to place celebrity above achievement, who knows what the hell it all means.
Here are some of the highlights and lowlights of the Golden Globes, 2017:
WORST OF THE GLOBES
1) Can the whole red carpet thing just be cancelled?
Ryan Seacrest is embarrassing and for his conversational gambits on the carpet he should get the chair. Giuliana Rancic remains terrifying. Al Roker called Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba.
And Jenna Bush told Pharrell Williams his movie was Hidden Fences.
2) Emily Ratajkowski’s breasts are getting tiresome. Chances are 50% of the population disagrees with that opinion.
3) Why was Billy Bob Thornton wearing sunglasses inside?
4) The show announcer accidentally introduced Hugh Grant as a Golden Globes winner for Florence Foster Jenkins.
5) That speech by the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association?
That was downright arboreal.
6) The animation bit with Steve Carell and Kristen Wiig was waaaaay too long.
7) John Legend’s name, on his name tag, was John Ledgend. Good work, Golden Globes.
8) The night’s big upset — Aaron Taylor Johnson winning for Nocturnal Animals over Mahershala Ali for Moonlight — looked a lot as if the HFPA promised Nocturnal Animals director Tom Ford they’d throw him a bone if he showed up.
Not that we didn’t admire Taylor Johnson’s performance in Nocturnal Animals.
He was great. But still.
9) What the hell is wrong with Sting, exactly?
10) You can’t give Elle an award over Toni Erdmann. Come on. I think the HFPA just wanted to suck up to Isabelle Huppert.
11) Almost all the thank you speeches were tedious, meaningless and kind of insipid. Except for Tom Hiddleston, who was incomprehensible, with all that twaddle about being in South Sudan.
12) Really? Isabelle Huppert in Elle is Best Actress over Amy Adams in Arrival?
That’s just weird.
And some would argue wrong category — Elle was a comedy. Just sayin’.
BEST OF THE GLOBES
1) GO MERYL GO!!!
That was an amazing speech. Incisive, intelligent, classy.
Took four hours, but the Golden Globes finally had its moment.
2) Jimmy Fallon was better than expected. The opening bit, imitating La La Land, was pretty great. Near the end he returned to full annoying mode, but never mind.
3) Lily Collins wore a beautiful dress.
4) Evan Rachel Wood wore a tux to inspire little girls and let them know you don’t have to wear a dress. In Hollywood, this is a big statement, people.
5) Tracee Ellis Ross can walk extremely well in six inch heels. That was impressive.
6) Atlanta won an award— that’s impressive. Much as one loves Veep.
7) Hugh Laurie was brilliant when he made his speech.
8) Annette Bening. Just for being Annette Bening and showing up.
9) The winners of La La Land — Best Song — for thanking musical theatre nerds everywhere.
10) Viola Davis. Wow.
11) Aaron Taylor-Johnson calling his wife Sam his soulmate. That was awesome.
12) Ryan Gosling’s classy thank-you speech, acknowledging Ryan Reynolds with humour and thanking his partner, Eva Mendes, for raising their kids so he could do the movie.
13) Meryl Streep noting that Ryan Gosling, “Like all nice people, is Canadian.”
14) The entire s—t-show ended on time. Like, yay.
Full list of winners at the 74th annual Golden Globe Awards
—Motion Picture, Drama: “Moonlight.”
—Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: “La La Land.”
—Actor, Motion Picture, Drama: Casey Affleck, “Manchester by the Sea.”
—Actress, Motion Picture, Drama: Isabelle Huppert, “Elle.”
—Director, Motion Picture: Damien Chazelle, “La La Land.”
—Actor, Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: Ryan Gosling, “La La Land.”
—Actress, Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: Emma Stone, “La La Land.”
—Supporting Actor, Motion Picture: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, “Nocturnal Animals.”
—Supporting Actress, Motion Picture: Viola Davis, “Fences.”
—Foreign Language Film: “Elle.”
—Animated Film: “Zootopia.”
—Screenplay, Motion Picture: Damien Chazelle, “La La Land.”
—Original Score, Motion Picture: Justin Hurwitz, “La La Land.”
—Original Song, Motion Picture: “City of Stars,” ”La La Land.“
—TV Series, Drama: “The Crown.”
—Actor, TV Series, Drama: Billy Bob Thornton, “Goliath.”
—Actress, TV Series, Drama: Claire Foy, “The Crown.”
—TV Series, Musical or Comedy: “Atlanta.”
—Actor, TV Series, Musical or Comedy: Donald Glover, “Atlanta.”
—Actress, TV Series, Musical or Comedy: Tracee Ellis Ross, “black-ish.”
—Limited Series or TV Movie: “The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story.”
—Actor, Limited Series or TV Movie: Tom Hiddleston, “The Night Manager.”
—Actress, Limited Series or TV Movie: Sarah Paulson, “The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story.”
—Supporting Actor, Series or TV Movie: Hugh Laurie, “The Night Manager.”
—Supporting Actress, Series or TV Movie: Olivia Colman, “The Night Manager.”
Cecil B. DeMille Award: Meryl Streep.